Just livin’ life…

Well its been a little while.  Still the same old thing just getting worse I guess, life that is. My health has gotten a lot worse lately in some ways.  I think I finally kinda sorta had started learning to accept life with out my Mom till lately.  I have been staying with my Mother-in-law several days and nights a week.  The evil cancer has eaten her up and it’s just so sad.  So now we are having to stay with her around the clock and it’s just awful seeing what cancer can do to an other wise healthy person.  She has gone from walking 1-3 miles a day to walking with a walker and someone holding her up as she tries her best to do so.  It all happened within a 3-4 week period, just like that gone, has no control of her legs in any way.  So all of this brings back so many memories from my Mom & Dad, Mom lived with me towards then end, so I was her care taker 24\7 and had to do so many of the things we are now having to do with my Mother-in-law. I would do them all over again for the next 50 years if I could have that chance with my Mom again.  I cherish every moment I had with her, all the laughter, tears, heart ache, loss of sleep for days on in, all the bed baths, her favorite TV shows “Walker Texas Ranger, the Medicine Woman, Dancing with the Stars, Outdaughtered”, her listening to YouTube videos of children’s laughter that would bring tears to her eyes because it made her so happy to hear them, she always said that it was her favorite sound ever to hear a child laugh, then her accidents she would have, just ALL of it good & bad, if only I could have one more chance.  (OK so, I guess I hadn’t learned to accept life without Mom yet!!!). Then seven years ago when I lost my Dad to this evil devil cancer I as well was his caretaker.  Being the youngest daughter of 6 kids, I was the only one he trusted at that time, I was the one he chose to do everything for him (being the one he chose will always be an honor to me, just knowing that he trusted me with his life, with his world)I had been doing their finances for them for years and at that time he signed all over to me to take care of, so that part was actually nothing new to me really, but then the medical part was so much harder, to be the one along with Mom to have to make the last decision of his life to not put back on breathing machines, oh my that was just at that point one of the hardest things I had ever had to do.  Then there were the other things that I know if he was in his right mind during that time he would have never allowed because of his morals, pride, his manly hood, just him being totally humiliated by his youngest daughter ever having to do such things as bathing, cleaning up after accidents & everything actually.  Cancer came and within 3 months he lost his battle with it, that was after having brain surgery & the radiologists technician taking his x-rays dropped him on his head, yup the one he had just had brain surgery on.  “Life just throws so much at you” at times that you just don’t know what or where to go or if you can even go anymore.  

Well while talking with my Mother-in-law over the weekend, she asked me to promise her that I would not let her sons (one being my husband) have to ever clean up after her, bathe her, bring her to bathroom or any of that sort of thing, that I would care for her till the end in their place.  She said she would rather take the end of life treatment now than to ever have to have them do any of that sort of things that it would totally humiliate her, said would literally kill her.  Of course I said I would.  But really makes me wonder if my Dad would have made it longer if it wasn’t me that he chose to care for him constantly, was he still in there somewhere in that devil cancer mind that it killed him…the humiliation that is.  When she said that it was all I could think of, was Dad so distraught by that?  I mean he would have never asked me to care for him, to stay with him 24/7, not really let the others do for him unless I was sleeping for a couple of hours. I guess I’ve never thought about that part of his life/death till she asked me that question and since then I can’t stop, I’ve been so sad/down about this. I mean I know that God has a time & place and knows exactly how we are going to die, but did Dad die or will himself to die from that humiliation?  Or was his mind so far gone that the good times we had (I really tried so hard to make even accidents fun, just to make him smile, which I miss that smile terribly), in those last 3 months took the place of his humiliation and that I in a way helped him die a little easier/happier.  I know this sounds so weird saying out loud, well typing it, then it does in my mind.  But that is what goes on in this crazy head of mine, non stop.  I can’t really talk to anyone about it cause don’t really have anyone left that I can talk to, so I just try to figure it out in my own head and as you can tell it’s so not going very well, just makes my Tourette’s worse & the fibro flair ups more often, oh my they are just awful lately.  

Well on a good (kinda sorta in a way) note, we sold Mom & Dads house finally. That was really a hard time having to let go, knowing I’ll never be able to go in it again, if I do it won’t be the same.  But it was a really sweet young lady that bought it and my sister found out yesterday that she wants to invite all of us over for tea one day when she gets the house fixed up just like she wants it.  So that was really nice of her to think about us, but on the other hand, do I want to see it changed???  Will that hurt even more???  Phew I just don’t know…guess that will be a whole new story I can post on here!

Gotta run, but that’s kinda been my life at the moment & kinda explains why I hadn’t been able to post regularly, but I am hoping to start more often cause it really helped me before just to get it out.  I know I only have a few people who read it (and I hope y’all enjoy my crazy life & rambles) but I don’t know it just feels good to get it out sometimes…

So till next time, hug your loved ones tell them how much you love them & just what they mean to you!!!!  It’s the best feeling in the world to hear that.  Have a great one

~Me~

The Hubbs
Hubbs when he’s the happiest! Hes my Whole World!!!

 

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Hey y’all 

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Well it’s been a little while but not quite as long this time.   Nothing really new same ol’ stuff.  Been hurting really bad lately & I really try hard to handle this but just don’t seem like I can any more.  At about 6 every evening I fall asleep in my chair & hubbs wakes me up to go to bed. And  like this morning when I woke I could hardly walk on my ankles & that’s something  new seems like there’s always something new.  I find I am so agitated again but I am thinking it might be the migraine meds doing that, I’ve taken them for years but it’s the only thing I can think of besides being miserable with the hubbs job.   I’ve gotten to where I don’t leave the house much any longer cause actually I’m scared to drive I mean I still do, to go to doc or grocery, but other than that I don’t anymore.  I can’t tell my hubbs that or he won’t let me at all, so that’s out of the question.

Well my mother-in-law did chemo again a couple weeks ago & is still miserable, it usually only last a couple days this time it’s not stopping.  They were not gonna do it any longer but ran some tests & saw it was working some what, so did it.  Now I think she pretty much regrets that decision.   I try to often think of all the hell shes going through with the devil, cancer & think I shouldn’t be sad & all down cause of my life, I mean she knows she’s dieing & oh my that has to be just horrible.  I’m not, so I need to just buck up & quit all this being mad cause of what I have.   But geez Louise it is so hard.

I’ve been having to keep my Granddaughters & great grand Nephews lately so that’s 4 at a time & that helps to keep my mind off stuff for a little while, being the youngest is 2 & oldest is 13.   Matter of fact one of the twins has now decided she’s bi-sexual, binary (which I’m still trying to understand that one) & there’s another word but I can’t remember.   She was worried I wouldn’t love her anymore, I told her I’d love her regardless.   I’m scared it’s a faze cause all the kids in her school are doing it.    The way she decided she was, was googling it all. 🙈   Now she says she wants to be a boy.   She talks to me about all this & honestly I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ what to say.   She asks me how I feel about it I tell her it’s not for me, but your You if this is what you want then it’s your decision.   I totally believe she really needs to wait till she’s a little older to make that decision before she spreads it all over social media like she has but who am I just the grandma.  Like yesterday she is sitting in shorts with her legs spread wide open, her sister told her to close her legs & sit like a girl/lady she said “I am a boy” I just said that as of right now your not a boy, you have a vagina & everyone can see it when you sit like that she said she don’t care cause she’s a boy (which she read on internet that all you have to do to be this way is act like a boy or girl an you will be that to whom ever you want to be with that day) then she walked in house & slammed the door.   Really hurt/pissed me off bad, when she came back out I told her look you wanta talk to me about anything an everything cause you don’t feel you can talk to anyone else but I can’t handle this if you want my opinion on things then you just have to accept what I say as my opinion or don’t ask.   I mean I want her to feel she can talk to me but geez it’s all I hear in songs about being gay or movies about it.   No I am not bashing or against gays I just don’t know what to do with a 13 year old that doesn’t know what she really wants cause one day she’s flirting & talking to a boy really seriously then she’s in love with a girl just the very next day.   This grandma just is to old for all this & just don’t know what or how to handle this & I will have them all summer so PLEASE HELP!!!!  Suggestions are requested & totally accepted.

For now gotta get dressed for doctor then have the girlies again all night.  So hope everyone has a great day & week.  ~me~

It’s been a while…

Just for some cuteness, I added a couple of pics ☝🏻TaZ on right & his great aunt (I guess you’d say) on the left in the top pic, opposite on the bottom one lol.  

Wow I looked backed been almost a month since I’ve written.  I guess life really gets in the way sometimes. Back to my favorite saying  “what life throws at you!”

Been fighting Fibromyalgia really bad, I’ve never had what they call “flair ups” so bad.  Had em’ for almost 2 1/2 weeks off & on more on than off, it would last several days at least.  Then it takes several days to get over it then it would start all over again.  I really didn’t know what was going on with me.   My glands swole up in places I didn’t even know I had glands, then the aching started felt like I had flu but with no other flu like symptoms, then inside it felt like I had run a marathon the biggest & longest you could do.   But if you know me that’s so not gonna happen I can’t run around back yard with lil’ ones much less a race 🙈.   It was like all my muscles were torn & hurting.   Nothing was helping, I took ibuprofen, acetaminophen & extra pain pills, nothing helped. Soaked in tub of water forever seemed like & used a heating pad nothing helped.  I don’t know what brings them on but I Pray I will figure it out soon.   I went to my Rheumatologist office & was in the middle of a flair up & he looked at me an knew something was going on immediately.  I then started crying like a big ol’ baby in front of him telling him everything that had been going on, told him I was at the end of my rope I couldn’t do this anymore, he talked to me for a little while to calm me down then he did some testing & told me what was going on so finally I knew what the heck was happening & I knew I wasn’t losing my mind (well what’s left of it).   Well I left his office & went straight to the pharmacy with a new prescription I had never taken called Lyrica & within days could feel a gigantic difference.   Thank God!!!!   I had noticed I was mad, angry just pissed at the world no one in particular just everyone.   The doctor 👨‍⚕️ explained it pretty well, he said think about it like this, if you have ex. Poison ivy – you itch so bad that all the scratching in the world doesn’t help & it makes you mad cause it’s not helping & you just keep scratching & scratching, he said it’s kinda the same (without scratching of course) but your insides, the nerve endings are just going crazy & like the poison ivy nothing is helping them so it does make you angry, depressed, sad.   So it really helped a lot learning that it was the Fibromyalgia flair ups & the Lyrica was a God send.   Within 4 days, I hadn’t realized before just how angry I was till the Lyrica then I realized I wasn’t as angry anymore I didn’t jump at anything someone said & bite their heads off any longer.   It feels pretty good to not be so angry anymore.  So if you are fighting with something & it has some of those symptoms go to doctor it sure helped me.  😉

Well as for TaZ he went to groomer & came out with tons of kisses 😘 & that was such a good feeling.  In the pics above he had just gotten groomed & looked amazing like the old TaZ man.  Makes my heart so happy.   As far as “M” she no longer works there & no longer has a license to groom anywhere for that fact.  If your a groomer you should love to be around animals good, bad, mean or upset ones at anytime. Just my opinion.  Just like child care workers you have to love children to be one so same goes for groomers.  But at least I know now my lil’ man is in good hands once again & I check him from head to toe now regardless.  If I have my way it won’t happen again.  

Well as for my Mother-in-law not such good news at her last chemo session she was told her cancer is getting worse & the chemo was making her symptoms worse as well so they stopped the chemo. 😢 The Hubbs is taking her tomorrow for testing to see just how far the cancer has spread & what the next steps will be, if any.   They say the cancer tumors in her stomach are just awful an there is so many that it has filled her stomach with them and there is so many that they don’t understand why her stomach doesn’t just hurt her constantly, but it doesn’t it’s her back & legs, her legs are about 3 times the size of normal & she has lost prolly 40 pounds or more.  She told me the other day that it feels like her legs can’t hold up her upper body anymore.   😢 They have taken her off pretty much all her regular everyday meds now which scares me to death cause that usually means it’s really close to the end.  Which that just breaks my heart so much it hurts.   I know I’ve said it a 1000 times but cancer just sucks, it’s the devil.   I saw her a couple days ago & it had been about a week since I saw her last & she looked like she had aged by at least 30 years in that short amount of time. 😢 Of course I told her she looked awesome & was still as pretty as she’s always been & she is but you can tell that it’s really taking its toll on her.   So if you read this & you Pray, please Pray for her she needs all the Prayers she can get.  Thanks in advance 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Well Saturday night I prolly had a few to many fireballs & the Hubbs is on vacation for a week & half an we decided to just float around the pool.  And this is his first time that he was actually here with me without work on his mind.  He’s been off since last Thursday & ended up having to do work 10-12 hours a day till Saturday afternoon here at the house.  Well being it’s the first time in literally 6 months that he’s actually talked to me as a wife and listened to me, well I REALLY screwed up & told him everything I have been upset about & holding in for the last 6 months & that I was so tired of going through everything alone the loss of Mom, his Mom fighting cancer, me finding out about the Fibromyalgia, Tourette’s, Dystonia, Parkinsons, Hypothyroidism & everything else that is has been so scary & tramatic an I have needed my best friend the only one I had left & he hasn’t been here that if he’s home he’s on the phone with work or laptop that he’s here but he’s not.   Well he got pretty pissed walked away after saying how pissed he was so I got out dried off & came in an went to bed at 7:30 an cried myself to sleep.  Well yesterday morning he finally talked to me about it said that I had bomb barted him with it all at one time.  I apologized for that & told him it had all just built up till I finally exploded, I tried to explain my feelings as well he did too & it’s been better and today is the first time I’ve seen my real husband, the one I fell in love with 😍 he’s still in there.   I know prolly just till vacation ends but that’s ok at least he’s still in there.  He even cooked breakfast 🍳 for me 😌😌😌.

I’m gonna try to start writing again more often cause you never know just what life will throw at you!!! Hope everyone has a great week and is in good health.  ~me~

My lil’ man

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Well hi y’all

I never thought I’d be doing this but I’m bringing my lil’ man back to the same place.  The owner contacted me for 2 weeks apologizing for what happened to TaZ.  She felt so bad about it, she really seemed genuinely concerned & I know it wasn’t her that tortured my lil’ man.  I did send pics & vets report to her  & the old owner an they reported her to the board & she was terminated.   So I decided to give her another try.  I’ve been a nervous wreck about it for the last few days am been up since midnight worrying.  I don’t know how he is going to react when we drive back up there.  I asked the vet his opinion he said he will prolly be scared to go anywhere now that does grooming but hopefully after the first time he sees they aren’t mean & abusive to him he will be ok just might take a couple of times going.  So I’m Praying that he does good.  I told the owner I will bring him in today but if he acts scared an she feels uncomfortable at all to please call me & I will find someone else to do him.  To me he’s my son an I can’t handle seeing him in the shape he’s been for the last month.  He’s never been scared of anything an now scared of everything.  😢  Poor lil’ man has been thorough the ringer this year, when Mom died he was right there with me at the head of her bed while I was laying on the bed across her chest when she took her last breath. After that he was traumatized for a while then to find out that he was being tortured through it all just breaks my heart in a zillion pieces an to know I’m the one that would bring him to that evil person.   So Praying he does good today an won’t hate me when I pick him up.

Well I gotta run bring him so say a quick Prayer if you read this that God will have his hands on him today an he will do good an won’t be tortured.  Till later ~ me

Same life, new week…

Hey y’all hope everyone had an Awesome Mothers Day!!!  ☝🏻that’s how I spent mine that afternoon. Was a nice pretty day for a ride.  

Last week wasn’t a good week at all, guess I was dreading the 1st Mothers Day without my Mother.  I knew when the day came around I had to buck up & try not to be too depressed for the hubbs an his Mom.  I did alright, we had the girls again for the weekend so that helped some they gave me a dozen yellow roses & a Grandma teddy bear.  Friday night hubbs worked till 10:45 pm, that’s a long day from 3:30am till 10:45.  But he was supposed to go back Sat & called someone else to go in for him, so that was really nice he was off Sat & Sun.  That’s the 1st two days he’s had off since he took off for Moms funeral beginning of January.  

Well things have come to a head with sisters, it really sucks that losing your parents & selling the family home can tear your family apart but it is.  I guess with 5 of us having to make decisions & all have to agree it was bound to happen.  Like one thing was I haven’t been able to mourn Mom because of the house an all, let me back up we had an open house the Sunday before Mother’s Day an we have a family really interested in the house.  Well anyone that’s sold a house, you know that you have inspections, appraisals & such, well the inspection went pretty good for a 60 year old house with only a few minor fixes & one I guess kinda big (to raise the electric lines that have ran across driveway for 60 years now) an now the potential buyers are wanting either us to fix or take off price so we have been having to talk about that.  So back to Sunday woke up to a bunch of texts about the house so started responding with hubbs & I’s opinions about what to & not to do.  Well to make a long story short one of the oldest said what do I want, I said to just give them what they want so we can sell it an begin the mourning process for Mom.  Well she hit the roof because I haven’t mourned Mom yet, that it’s crazy that I hadn’t so on, so on.  I tried to explain my feelings (being the youngest now that my brother is gone I’m just weird & don’t know anything, to some of them that is) well that really hurt me pretty bad so guess afterwards I was kinda on defense from then on.  Later in the day we needed to figure it out to let them (the potential buyers) know & only one sister was messaging me on the group text back an forth about it trying to figure it out no one else chimed in or anything.  So then I began to get upset, not angry, I mean it has to be done, I didn’t text nothing mean I just asked for the other 3 to give their opinions so we can be done with it.  Well needless to say no one responded till Monday am at 5:15 the 2nd to oldest, texted how awful I am, I am so mean for asking them for their opinions.  Proceeded to chew me a new one.  After that I was angry I wasn’t upset any longer just angry 😡.   It was just craziness to the point of telling me I have broken up our family, etc…so I look back on text to see if maybe I wrote something awful an didn’t remember or what, I look back to February, the worst thing I wrote was “well c, j & d what is yalls opinions, no one is responding 😢”.   That was the meanest thing I put wasn’t even an angry face or anything.  I mean geez louise I know I wear my feeling on my shoulder a lot but that surely wouldn’t hurt me, I mean I looked & they both (oldest two) wrote those almost exact words prolly a minimum of a dozen times a piece in the last few months.  Well I tried to text I’m sorry, blah blah blah that I so didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings just knew it had to be discussed & done.  Well by 9am one left group (the one that started group text at 5:15 am) & told me didn’t need my help on anything that she’d just let me know where i could go pick up my check after the sell.  😳 then left the group.  After that I lost it, she didn’t think about I could still text her on her own an I did.  See at the open house she made several really ugly comments about me, I mean that cut to the core an I never once said anything about it to her or anyone else I’ve tried to just chalk it up to we are all hurting but I told her everything & then some, cause the old saying “you can’t throw stones in glass houses” fits here perfectly!!!!  One of her comments in group text to me was she has so much going on in her life, blah blah blah.  I tried to explain we all have our own problems in our personal lives, that her life struggles were totally different than mine & I named everyone of my siblings & said they are all different but but no ones life is more important or less important than the next ones (oh did I say she has 6 grandchildren that 4 live 3 hours one way, in the same yard an the other 2 live about 3 hours away the other way an they go an spend 2-3 weeks at a time, then comes home for a week an goes back again with them & partying the whole time on the lake, literally partying every night 😩such a rough life, don’t get me wrong I’m glad they get to spend quality time with the kids, but it’s like they are on vacation constantly an she says how rough her life is🙈).  Needless to say I never heard anything back from her.  I mean we all struggle daily with different things in our lives which are all totally different.  It just really sucks that as close of a family as we always were, (people have always said I wish our family was as close as yall’s,) now we are nothing I mean I have to get on here an spill my guts cause I can’t to my siblings, an to me that’s the worst feeling ever.  Mom & Dad would be so hurt right now to know what was going on, thank God that there is no sorrow in Heaven cause they sure would have a lot of it.  I know this is so not how we were raised.  But hopefully one day when this is all behind us that we can move past this & become the family we used to be, but with the jabs & mean comments I’m really scared it won’t happen 😢.  So that’s been my week so far, it really sucks I really love my siblings might get angry/upset with them but I do still love them.  So I decided I’m just gonna back away & let the oldest 2 do their own thing with the house an I will just except what ever happens.  

Other than all that things been pretty rotten.  I’m trying to quit smoking again with chantix have taken since last Tuesday an one day nausea was soooo bad for about 4 1/2 hours.  Started trying to think what I had done right before the nausea hit an realized I had just taken some excedrine migraine meds.  So hadn’t been taking them an just gotten nauseated a couple of times since this am being one of them.  I really want/need to quit an several years ago I quit with chantix no problems at all with it (should of never picked up another cig but I did) but I guess with the gastric bypass things are totally different now.  I really hope I can handle this nauseousness for a little longer for it to help me to quit.  Last month when I was so sick with nausea & the other I lost 28 pounds (which that was a good thing 😊) but I had started the chantix  a couple days after I was sick, so doc had told me to stop taking it till I was better than try again, so I am 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻.   I notice I don’t smoke nearly as much as I was but still do. They said it might take a couple weeks on it to stop so I’m hoping it will, I’m only taking once a day now which supposed to be two a day but scared to get sicker with it so I’m hoping this will still help.  

Update on Mother-in-law, this last chemo session was the worst so far 😢 she’s been hurting so bad could hardly walk.  She’s not one that likes taking pain meds but said this time she takes them on a regular basis when supposed to because that’s how bad it is.   I tell y’all again cancer sucks it’s really the devil in disguise.  But I think she enjoyed her Mother’s Day.  All the kids, grand an great grandkids were there.   She smiled a lot more than I’ve seen her do in a while.  The hubbs talks to her at least once a day an said last week she was angry about everything said she was fussing so much an realized it an told him how sorry she was an he told her that was fine she needed to get it all out to keep on fussing he could take it an she did. She said she just is so angry with cancer how evil it was an it was just ruining her quality of life.    Makes us so sad to know she’s going through so much an all we can do is just be there for her, you just wanta take away the pain but can’t.  

Well I know your prolly glad I hadn’t gotten on in awhile so wouldn’t have to read all this bs.  But till next time hold your loved ones tight & let them know just how much you love em’ ❤️ till later ~ me 

Hey y’all meet Lonny…

Pic is of My lil’ Lonny, he’s called a lawnmower Blenny!  He’s got a personality that is hilarious, we just got him a couple of weeks ago & I’m home everyday so I watch the 4 aquariums (my hubbs midlife crisis, much rather aquariums than other women, lol) a lot.  This is the only salt water one we have other 3 are fresh water.  Well I love to watch this one because it changes daily, the colors of everything.  When I go to front of it & he sees me he comes really fast up behind a rock stands on his fins & sticks out his chest at me over the rock then ducks his head an comes back, does it over & over then I go sit in the chair next to it he comes flying into this small hole in the rock & stares at me. Example:

He’s so ugly he’s cute with his big ol’ bushy eye brows.  I started googling & you tubing these fish & they are known for their dispositions.  I’m so glad we got him he’s company for me believe it or not. 🙈

Well was pretty buzy yesterday, cleaned house and ran errands all day cause my girlies (our twin 13 year old granddaughters) were coming to stay for the weekend an I’m used of going to bed with the hubbs at 8:30-9 cause he goes to work at 3:45 am an needless to say the girlies favorite time to talk to Maw Maw is during the night, like this am was till 3.   So needless to say I knew I’d be useless in house this weekend running on just 2 hours max of sleep a night this weekend.  Now I have 2 sleepy heads that don’t want to get up & we allready brought tickets for a 10:45 showing this am to see Beauty & the Beast.  Maw Maw isn’t too excited to go but we are going to this new theater called a Bistro that you sit in recliners and order your food & drinks an they deliver it to you, full fledge meals.  So I do want to go experience that an it’s nice to spend time with the girls, and at least in a dark theater none of their friends will see their shakey grandma.  So that’s one good thing 😊.  

The hubbs ended up working again this weekend an that really sux.  I really am trying so hard to be the supportive wife with this new position but it’s really taking its toll on me.  Being alone so much (hence watching freaking fish aquariums all day 🙈 🐟) just isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.  When he comes home I wanta talk cause I’ve been alone all day an the dog, bird & fish just don’t make really good conversationalist.  But he’s still so preoccupied with work that I end up not saying anything cause when I did at the beginning he doesn’t even respond or anything an that just hurts my feelings so I just quit, I say what I have to an that’s pretty much it.  Really sux cause if you knew me I Love to talk.  But hopefully one day it will calm down a little bit so we can have a life again togather.  Now he has a work laptop & has to work till goes to bed then gets up & starts all over again.  That’s all new to him, kinda rough on him cause he’s almost 59 an this is all new to him.  He’s been a boss for the last 20 some odd years but this is the big boss an totally different than what he’s done there for the last 40 years.  He made the comment a couple times now he’d retire if I couldn’t handle this an I tell him every time he’s worked for 40 years to get to this position & I surely wouldn’t take that away from him.  

Other thing that happened this past Wednesday, we had an awful storm hit us we got almost 13″ of rain it was crazy.  Thank God it didn’t get into our house, but it did get in a lot of our friends home that day an my 2nd to oldest sister lives out on the river, luckily they built a 2 story house cause the bottom floor flooded with about 6-8″ of water, thank God they knew chances of flooding due to prior flooding before built the 2 story & they made the bottom floor to where things are up higher an now can move important things to the second floor.  They were out of town till Thursday morning early an had to get to their house by jet skis an when they got there started picking everything up inside the water was up to their porch at that time, which is almost 6 foot off the ground she sent pic & they had the boat pulled up to porch and they are like almost 40′ from the river.  By that evening it was 3″ from going in, during night made its way in.  So sad 😭.  She said yesterday it was going down so that’s a big relief.  

Well gotta run kiddos are finally waking up so got to get them moving so we can get there on time.  Till later hope everyone has a great weekend. ~me

Been awhile…

Hey Y’all

Well it’s been awhile since I’ve written, had to restore laptop & that was a 6 day project! Well the restore was the easy part, but trying to get all my pics, videos & voice mails back was a whole other ball game.  But I got it now!  Thank God.  I was so upset about this I didn’t know what to do with myself, but after several sleepless nights I got it.  I feel so rotten tho cause the night it happen my poor hubby came in to the craft room & I was bawling like a big ol’ baby, I had just lost everything (which he didn’t know about) & get on my other computer to try & figure things out, the first thing that pops up & starts playing by itself when I opened the other computer is a voicemail from my Mom, oh my I lost it, couldn’t stop crying for anything.  He came in to see when I was gonna do something or another & I lost it on him, told him my life was awful, I can’t take life any longer that everything now days just sux!  Poor thing didn’t know what to say, I know it was not his fault in anyway what so every, hence feeling so bad to this day, but by saying those things I know I hurt him so bad.  I apologized to him for several days, but he’s so good he understood everything and he knows that he gives me the best life a girl could ever ask for, just seems like nothing is going right this year already & just so hard to take anything new that comes along.  He told me at the time while hugging this big ol’ bawling baby that I could & would fix it to try an relax, so the shaking would get better and just get started on fixing it.  He is just so wonderful, he believes in me so much more than I believe in myself.  But that’s done now and I just have to move on an get past all the things that “life has been throwing” at me lately. (fingers & toes crossed)

Well I went to new doc Monday, he said didn’t want to do any scopes are anything because of the infection inside, he was scared if he went in either way that it would just spread the infection so now go back at the end of the month.  So I was kinda glad of that cause of all the nasty stuff you have to drink before either scope, is just awful.

On top of all that, yesterday my Mother-in-law got awful news, they had told her when she found out about her stage 4 cancer that there was a chance of it going into remission, well now after several rounds of chemo they have told her she will never go into remission.  So sad, I hate that they told her that cause she had such a good disposition about it all and now I’m scared that she will lose hope ;(  cancer is just the devil!  It was so sad 7 years ago when my Dad passed away from cancer, my husband got a call from his aunt up north a week after we buried Daddy, that his real Dad passed away (they hadn’t seen each other in over 35 years, he was an awful man to my Hubbs, his Mom & siblings, very abusive), well he told his aunt that he buried his Dad (meaning my Dad ;)) a week ago that he was sorry for her loss.  Made my heart smile knowing he felt that away about my dad, but at the same time made me sad for him, for not having what I/he had with my Dad, with his. Then this year we lost Mom in January and not to long after we found out his mom has cancer and might not be with us much longer.  The day she called us from the doc for all of us kids (her 3 & spouses, meaning no grandkids) to meet her at her house asap, we knew it wasn’t good news at all.  We went & on the way my hubbs said he had the worst headache (which he never gets them) then while there he was just so different was like I had never seen him before, which I totally understood, especially after losing Dad then Mom, his Mom is the rock of his family, he was the oldest of the 3 kids and had to defend his Mom against his real dad on so many occasions, that now they have this really unique bond between them.  Well we were there for hours and there was a whole lot of crying, naturally.  His Mom has been married to an amazing man for 40 years now, my Hubbs stepdad (we laugh with her now because he won’t let her do ANYTHING and that drives her bonkers!) and that was the night they asked me to take care of her like I had just taken care of my Mom 😦 and of course I said I would do anything and everything in my power to help them with anything and everything!  They are the only parents I have left.   Well on the way home I asked hubby if he was ok, if he was feeling better, he said that his whole body had been like an aching/numb feeling, he said he had never felt that away before, he said at least the aching was better, (but to this day the numbness is still there) he stated that about when Daddy died that his real dad died right after and now it’s happening with our Moms.  Broke my heart into a zillion little pieces!  It’s like if she passes thats it, we won’t have any parents anymore.  I mean I know this is a part of growing up & getting older, but geez you’d think we’d have a little time between.  He said “but I know that no matter what that we will always have each other!!!”  So I try to always think of that statement when things get really tough and I just want to give up that, we do always have each others back, that we can get through anything life throws at us!

Well I got to run to her house then run errands so will write more later.  Hug your loved ones & let them know how much you love them!!!  Thanx for reading~me

Errrr….

Hi y’all! (Just posted a pic of our candy cane shrimp for some kind of happy)

Well today will be short.  Thursday afternoon at 5:30 my MacBook Pro updated to the newest Sierra operating system, well crashed computer. I panicked cause all Moms, Dads, John’s & Niece that passed away pics, videos & voicemails were on it.  I stayed up till 3:30 am working on it Thursday night, then woke at 4:15 am started again then worked on all day yesterday till 3:15 this am slept till 5 am & back at it.  I think I got pics saved to 2 externals but now won’t restore from previous backups from MacBook so now trying backup from iMac.  Oh geez this is craziness.  At least in my world lol.  

But just wanted to jump on & say hi and hope to be back on laptop again by tomorrow before I lose my mind 😩.   Oh did I mention it’s so hard working when your shaking uncontrollably. 🙈

Till tomorrow 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻~me

Life…

Hi y’all,

Hadn’t been on in a couple days, it’s been some of those “what life throws at you” kinda days.  Been sick with that stinking cold.  The Tourette’s & Fibramylgia symptoms have really been kicking in so bad the last several days.  I so don’t know how much more of this I can take & at times like these you just want your Mom & Dad,  and that’s just not possible.  That makes things so much worse just puts me into some kind of crazy depression that I don’t know how to pull myself out of.  My mouth has gotten so bad from the chewing that it’s so sore I can hardly eat.  Doc called out this swish & swallow mouth stuff that helps for a few minutes till I chew it all off 😩. Makes me so mad at myself.  I feel myself pulling away from everyone (which has been for awhile) but never thought I’d pull away from the one person who’s always been there for me, my hubby but now that’s happening.  I don’t want to, but I am.  I’m just having such a hard time with these stupid diseases, Moms death, selling Mom & Dads house and my Mother-in-laws cancer, that I don’t know what to do anymore.  Then to top it all off I got a call from the urgent care that  I went to several weeks ago & I had to do (hate to say on here) but, a stool specimen & they called with news that my white blood cell count was 3 times higher than the highest level it should be & lots of blood in it.  So they scheduled me with a new doc 🙈 I just hate going to docs in the first place but a new one is even worse.  So I go to him Monday.  I just Pray that it isn’t some new disease, don’t think I could take that, that’s for sure.  At times like these I just feel so guilty that my hubbs has to go through this with me.  I love him so much it hurts & he me, but geez louise he shouldn’t have to be with someone like me, he deserves so much better cause he is such a great man.  He would be so upset if he knew I felt this away cause he says all the time he married me for better or worse & sickness an in health, but I know in my heart he never signed up for this.  I mean I know he’d never leave me & I’m really trying my best to be the wife he deserves, but sometimes it’s harder than I’d ever imagined being sick & hurting all the time.

Ok sorry this is why I haven’t been on in a couple of days cause I knew I’d just ramble on & on.  Hopefully tomorrow I can get on & be positive like I started this blog for, not this whining crud I’m doing.

So I’m gonna sign off now.  Sending positive vibes to everyone in hopes it helps someone!!!  Till tomorrow – Me

Life again😒

Hey y’all hope everyone is having a good day!

Didn’t write yesterday, was sick all day. Guess immunity level is down & I catch everything. Hubbs had been sick with a cold & guess who ended up with it. Saturday I was starting to feel pretty rotten but hubbs wanted to go shopping, so I went & he surprised me, with some clothes shopping for me. He had told me he needed some shirts for work & when we got there he fessed up & said he knew I wouldn’t of gone if he wanted to buy me some. He’s so sweet but I sure wouldn’t of gone.  I don’t know what it is but shopping makes me so nervous now, I started shaking so bad I was embarrassed. He just walks along with me with his head held high!  I sure am one lucky lady to have found such an amazing man. I hadn’t figured out if it’s all the people that make me nervous or what but it can go away just as fast as it came!

It sucks so bad being sick lately with the stomach flu then this cold. My Mother-in-law just found out about a month ago that she has stage 4 cancer , she & my father-in-law had asked me to  help take care of her, like I had with my Mom but you can’t go around her if you have anything wrong that she could possibly catch. So I’m hoping all this will go away quick so I can be there for her. She has it in 3 parts of her body. It’s so sad. Cancer is just the devil!!!  My Dad passed away about 6 1/2 years ago to it, boy it’s sure rough on them. Makes me so sad.  My hubby took it really bad being we had just lost my Mom in January.  It’s so hard losing your parents. I think it hit me the hardest when I realized I don’t have my Mom or my Dad any longer. No matter how old you are you always need your parents 😢. 

Well I’ve rambled long enough for today. Hope you have a good night. Till later – Me