Errrr….

Hi y’all! (Just posted a pic of our candy cane shrimp for some kind of happy)

Well today will be short.  Thursday afternoon at 5:30 my MacBook Pro updated to the newest Sierra operating system, well crashed computer. I panicked cause all Moms, Dads, John’s & Niece that passed away pics, videos & voicemails were on it.  I stayed up till 3:30 am working on it Thursday night, then woke at 4:15 am started again then worked on all day yesterday till 3:15 this am slept till 5 am & back at it.  I think I got pics saved to 2 externals but now won’t restore from previous backups from MacBook so now trying backup from iMac.  Oh geez this is craziness.  At least in my world lol.  

But just wanted to jump on & say hi and hope to be back on laptop again by tomorrow before I lose my mind 😩.   Oh did I mention it’s so hard working when your shaking uncontrollably. 🙈

Till tomorrow 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻~me

Advertisements

Life…

Hi y’all,

Hadn’t been on in a couple days, it’s been some of those “what life throws at you” kinda days.  Been sick with that stinking cold.  The Tourette’s & Fibramylgia symptoms have really been kicking in so bad the last several days.  I so don’t know how much more of this I can take & at times like these you just want your Mom & Dad,  and that’s just not possible.  That makes things so much worse just puts me into some kind of crazy depression that I don’t know how to pull myself out of.  My mouth has gotten so bad from the chewing that it’s so sore I can hardly eat.  Doc called out this swish & swallow mouth stuff that helps for a few minutes till I chew it all off 😩. Makes me so mad at myself.  I feel myself pulling away from everyone (which has been for awhile) but never thought I’d pull away from the one person who’s always been there for me, my hubby but now that’s happening.  I don’t want to, but I am.  I’m just having such a hard time with these stupid diseases, Moms death, selling Mom & Dads house and my Mother-in-laws cancer, that I don’t know what to do anymore.  Then to top it all off I got a call from the urgent care that  I went to several weeks ago & I had to do (hate to say on here) but, a stool specimen & they called with news that my white blood cell count was 3 times higher than the highest level it should be & lots of blood in it.  So they scheduled me with a new doc 🙈 I just hate going to docs in the first place but a new one is even worse.  So I go to him Monday.  I just Pray that it isn’t some new disease, don’t think I could take that, that’s for sure.  At times like these I just feel so guilty that my hubbs has to go through this with me.  I love him so much it hurts & he me, but geez louise he shouldn’t have to be with someone like me, he deserves so much better cause he is such a great man.  He would be so upset if he knew I felt this away cause he says all the time he married me for better or worse & sickness an in health, but I know in my heart he never signed up for this.  I mean I know he’d never leave me & I’m really trying my best to be the wife he deserves, but sometimes it’s harder than I’d ever imagined being sick & hurting all the time.

Ok sorry this is why I haven’t been on in a couple of days cause I knew I’d just ramble on & on.  Hopefully tomorrow I can get on & be positive like I started this blog for, not this whining crud I’m doing.

So I’m gonna sign off now.  Sending positive vibes to everyone in hopes it helps someone!!!  Till tomorrow – Me

Life again😒

Hey y’all hope everyone is having a good day!

Didn’t write yesterday, was sick all day. Guess immunity level is down & I catch everything. Hubbs had been sick with a cold & guess who ended up with it. Saturday I was starting to feel pretty rotten but hubbs wanted to go shopping, so I went & he surprised me, with some clothes shopping for me. He had told me he needed some shirts for work & when we got there he fessed up & said he knew I wouldn’t of gone if he wanted to buy me some. He’s so sweet but I sure wouldn’t of gone.  I don’t know what it is but shopping makes me so nervous now, I started shaking so bad I was embarrassed. He just walks along with me with his head held high!  I sure am one lucky lady to have found such an amazing man. I hadn’t figured out if it’s all the people that make me nervous or what but it can go away just as fast as it came!

It sucks so bad being sick lately with the stomach flu then this cold. My Mother-in-law just found out about a month ago that she has stage 4 cancer , she & my father-in-law had asked me to  help take care of her, like I had with my Mom but you can’t go around her if you have anything wrong that she could possibly catch. So I’m hoping all this will go away quick so I can be there for her. She has it in 3 parts of her body. It’s so sad. Cancer is just the devil!!!  My Dad passed away about 6 1/2 years ago to it, boy it’s sure rough on them. Makes me so sad.  My hubby took it really bad being we had just lost my Mom in January.  It’s so hard losing your parents. I think it hit me the hardest when I realized I don’t have my Mom or my Dad any longer. No matter how old you are you always need your parents 😢. 

Well I’ve rambled long enough for today. Hope you have a good night. Till later – Me

So far so good today!

Hey y’all!  Hope everyone is having a great day!

Yesterday I took TaZ to the vet they said he looked ok. Said that one spot on him possibly could get infected to keep a close eye on it. He checked every where to make sure no bruises or broken bones, only thing he noticed was his right eye was swollen 😡 in dogs if they have an infection or in this case, has been hit with a brush, it will make the eyeball itself swell. Makes me so sad 😭. But thank God no broken bones at least!  Said the booboos on belly were razor burns, I asked if could of been an accident, he said well one or two could of been, but as many an as severe as at least a few were it was no accident.  Makes me so mad 😡 I wish TaZ could talk to tell me everything.  Needless to say I drove by the place yesterday & she wasn’t there! Thank God!  The owner had told me that night it happened that “M” was on her way out the door as she was texting me, so I guess that’s a good thing. I feel bad to have had someone get fired, but if your in that profession you should love animals. If he was so “horrid” as she said he was she should of stopped & called me & I could of picked him up & groomed him myself or brought him elsewhere. But she didn’t give me that option she just abused him. I am not a mean person, people say I’m to nice, but in this case I sure hope someone pops her in the eye with a brush (or hammer) & burns her with a razor to show her how it feels & then she wouldn’t ever do this to another dog!!!!  I haven’t been that livid in a long time.

But I did learn through this that being mad is an emotion that makes Tourette’s & Fibromylgia a whole lot worse, and the mouth chewing, oh my word is awful now. I have so many cuts & sores in my mouth today from it. Yesterday & that night was pretty bad with all the shaking/tics, chewing. So guess I really need to work on that emotion as well. I’m hoping one day I will be able to control all of this. My 3rd sister & my aunt keep calling & texting cause I usually talk to the both of them at least once a day & I hadn’t done that in over a month.  For a month now I’ve had really bad stomack issues, went to my doc last week & he sent me to er cause I was dehydrated & had lost 14lbs.  So I really hadn’t wanted to be around anyone incase it was contagious 😷, but as well as don’t like being around people anymore anyways. So for a month now only left the house a couple of times. That kinda threw me into some kind of depression.  Hopefully all of this will get better soon, it’s driving me bonkers!  Hubbs works so much lately I’m home alone soooo much. Like today he was supposed to be off but had to go in at regular time. I don’t know if I like his new promotion so much anymore. But he did surprise me & came home early today & now he wants to go clothes shopping for he & I and out to eat. I know I’m terrible cause I don’t want to go, I just wanta stay home!  But I am trying to not let these illnesses affect our marriage. Sometimes it’s so hard & he’s been so wonderful with everything that I really have to push myself. He works 16 hour days & I know when he does finally get off he wants to do something. So guess I’m going to town shopping & to eat out. So guess I need to go get ready. Wish me luck lol

Well till next time y’all have a good one & thanx for reading. Me

PS (here’s my lil’ man saying hi everyone!)

Terrible day yesterday for my lil’ man :(

Yesterday started out really early, brought my lil’ man TaZ to the groomers at 7.  Then had a few errons to run & went to my sisters for a while to help her with some things, technical stuff she doesn’t understand.  It was an all right day till the phone call at 4!!! TaZ my lil’ man is 6 years old & since he was 3 months old the day I bought him home, I had to go about 6 hours away to get him and he was full of fleas & poor baby stunk so bad, I had to find a place to have him groomed on the way home and he has gone to get groomed once a month since then, and have never had any problems with him/groomers nor has he ever come home hurt.  Well the groomer I’ve used here has changed owners a couple times in the last several years.  Well the latest owner has groomed him for prolly 2 years now & he loves going to her, he gets so excited when I tell him we’re going to get his shower today.  Well back in January the owner took maternity leave and hired a new groomer I will call her “M” (have a few choice words to call her but I won’t).  The first time I picked him up after she did him he had a cut on his belly about 2 1/2″ long on one side of his privates & several of the burn type marks on his belly on the other side, she said oh I’m so sorry it must be the brush I’m using next time I will use another, so I’ve gone there for years so thought well accidents happen, came home & started taking care of his booboos & got them better within a couple of days, well the next month went & picked him up & he had another cut 2″ long in about the same place, I was so upset “M” said she figured out what it was, said wasn’t the brush it was from the harness they use in the tub so she changed it & this shouldn’t happen again. Well I thought at least she’s being honest so I took him back, this hadn’t happened again but he hasn’t been quite as happy going but I thought maybe I was just making too much out of it, sooooooo the terrible Mom-ME took him for his appointment yesterday morning & she called about 4 yesterday afternoon said he is ready, she did the best she could do, that he was horrid! Needless to say I got there within a matter of minutes, furious because NOONE has ever said he was even bad, I mean he’s a dog & doesn’t like his paws touched but thats pretty normal, every one has always loved him & he them. Well on my way all I could think about is if I went to a hairdresser or doctor or anywhere and they hurt me I wouldn’t be good, I’d be scared to death of them.  Well needless to say I walked in got him, paid (which normally give a $10 tip, needless to say I so didn’t yesterday, now I look back shouldn’t of even paid, but I know thats not right either & I try to be an honest person) well I got him in the car, the 1st pic above is him when I picked him up & he looked ok as far as the cut kinda I guess, but he’s a Bichon Frise’ & their tales are always up and wagging, his was tucked between his legs, I cried the whole way home.  I got home apologizing to him for being the worst Mom in the world, I looked at his belly when I got home, I tried to get him to get on the bed so I could love on him (which he loves to do that, but I had to physically pick him up as he coward down) & that’s what I saw, (the pic above) I was livid, I got so upset I couldn’t hardly breath, I called my Mother in law crying asking for suggestions on what to do, (she takes her dog there as well) I told her I had to tell the owner but I hate getting anyone in trouble but my word this is our child, he is our world, so I took pics & about an hour and half later after calming my crying down a little bit, I took more pics & sent to her.  She got so upset & begged me to give her (owner) another chance, please don’t take him somewhere else.  I talked with my hubbs about it & he said we should cause she has always been so good to TaZ, so I told her if she PROMISED me that “M” would NEVER lay a hand on my dog, needless to say she texted back & said “M” was on the way out the door as we speak!!!  That makes us feel so much better, but at the same time I am worried that TaZ is going to be scared to death to even go back in that place period…;( this was all yesterday afternoon & his tail is not quite as tucked this am, goes up every now & then, but you can see in the bottom pic, which is just now, he cried so much yesterday that he has brown tear stains running down his face. This just breaks my heart so bad.  We are now waiting on the vets office to open to go in this am to have him checked out.  I don’t know how others feel about their pups but this one is our whole world!!!!

So needless to say that’s why I didn’t get to write in my blog yesterday, it just ended up being one of the worst afternoons for my lil’ man ever!!!  But we are fixing to leave to go to his doctor now, they open in about 10 minutes.  I will write more possibly when I get back later.  Yes shot has been taken all ready (errrrrr)

Till next time I hope ya’ll have a great day, Me (the terrible Mom of the day)

My family…

de618ba8f5ab28b382a30e2b2963377f_download-quotes-about-a-best-friend-dying_287-413

Well hey ya’ll!!!

I figured I’ve talked a whole lot about my family figured today I’d tell you about them.  I came from a family with 6 kiddos, phew Mom & Dad sure had their work cut out for them huh?  We had 5 girls & 1 boy, he was the youngest, poor thing didn’t have just 1 Mom growing up he had 6 ;( of us (at least thats what people would tell him while we were growing up).  He was a great younger brother to me, we were only 3 years apart. My first year in high school we moved to Baton Rouge, Mom, Dad, my brother & I (everyone else was grown & out of the house by then) his name was John, during our years there we became really good friends, cause at that time we really didn’t know anyone & we only had each other.  Didn’t take long to make new friends but we ended up with a lot of the same friends & that made it nice.  We moved home my senior year and by that time all our friends we had grown up with had moved on without us, so that year John & I hung out together.  I will always cherish those times.  He grew up & married and had 3 beautiful daughters, one of them was the one I talked about earlier, she passed away at the age of 18.  Boy that was such a terrible time for all of us, but John & his wife took it so bad.  They eventually had to move on the best they could because they still had 2 little ones at home, but he never really got passed it or should I say, couldn’t really ever accept it.  Cause you never can get through losing a child.  It’s just so out of line, you know you expect your grandparents, aunts & uncles, then your parents, then you, all way before your child.  But they did the best they could do under the circumstances, I guess is a better way to put it.  But then we lost John to heart disease (he also had open heart/bypass) a little over a year ago.  That I can’t seem to move past, but always try and remember he is with her now, but my heart stays so broken for his wife and other 2 daughters left behind.  Those poor girls have been through hell & back in their young lives, along with their Mom, it’s just awful.  I’ve tried to be there for them and with my health issues a lot of the times its so hard.  I try to talk/text with them every couple of days, but can’t wait for the day I can just get out and go over, be with them.  I just hope they know how much I Love them & would do anything in the world for them.  Well that’s my younger brother, then there is me.  The sister above me (3rd) is 4 years older than me, she’s married with 1 daughter & 2 beautiful/handsome grandsons. She also has heart disease (she also had open heart/bypass) she is pretty sick with her heart, has a lot of problems with it. But for the most part she gets around pretty good & loves to go fishing. She & I have gotten really close since January.   Then there is the next sister (4th) she is 6 years older than I, she is the one that lost her husband a week before my Mom, she never had any little ones, she has health issues, but sad part is she also has a drug addiction.  Last year she went through rehab a couple of times, since losing Mom & her husband, we were so worried/scared she would go backwards, but thank God she didn’t. She & I used to be really close, but through this last year I guess I’ve pulled away from her, it just hurt to see what she was doing to Mom, Mom having to watch her doing this to herself (she lived with my Mom) they moved in to take care of Mom during the nights, myself or one of my other sisters would be there during the day to care for Mom.  Also they moved in because they couldn’t afford to live on their own any longer & Mom had handicap accessibilities for my brother in law.  But the last year she wasn’t caring for Mom, matter of fact she would make Mom feel guilty cause she “was a burden” to my sister.  So with that & a few unmentionables I’ve been so angry with her.  I mean I feel so sorry for her for losing her spouse & Mom in the same week, much less, but I’m really working on getting passed the anger I have inside. But I do still love her, just hope one day I can just accept things & move past them.  Then there is the next sister (5th),  she is 9 years older than me.  She’s married, lives on the river in a beautiful house & has 3 gorgeous boys and now has 6 grandkids 2 boys & 4 girls.  She is an amazing grandmother.  She and I have never been per say close but have always loved each other. I guess there was such a big age difference.  She’s always kinda been the one that rules everything that happens in the family, kinda like all of our boss!  But she’s an awesome sister.  She lived about 4 hours away for years, so kinda didn’t really know her while I was growing up (the important years, like when your learning your way in the world), so I guess that’s why not as close as I am with the younger ones.  Then there is the oldest (6th), I like to say the eldest when we introduce each other to people, it drives her crazy 😉 she’s 10 years older than myself.  She lived away, up north till about 8 years ago, so needless to say it took a loooonnnngggg time to get the northern girl out of her and to get the southern girl back 😉 those of you who know there is a big difference having a northerner in a big family function of southerners. Lol but she’s finally back to a southern girl, sometimes the northern comes out, but not quiet as often anymore!  She’s married & has 1 daughter. I guess I can say I really didn’t know her well till we got older because she was grown, married & gone while I was growing up.  But glad to say all my sisters are finally all back home together again.  We all live within 15-20 minutes from each other.  So that’s wonderful!

Well that’s my siblings…people ask me what it’s like being from such a big family, well sometimes it’s wonderful, growing up you always had a friend, other times it’s total chaos!!!!!  But no matter what, I will always love my siblings & will always miss my lil’ brother ;(

Well till next time, Me

Can’t believe I forgot to hit publish :{…

insp 1 4:17

Well today I have 2 post cause yesterday I had to leave in such a hurry I forgot to hit the publish button…thats how my days are, and nooooo I didn’t take any shots yesterday to go keep the kiddos, and I did pretty good.  To me kids so small seem to love me for who I am & they over look my disabilities.  To where adults just, well they don’t….

Too finish off yesterdays/well todays 1st, I always try to remember when I go through my struggles at least I have my husband here with me.  I couldn’t imagine not having him here with me these last almost 22 years, (like my sister is having to learn how to not have her husband with her, as well as Mom did after Dad passed after over 60 years of marriage).  When all this started 3 1/2 years ago my family didn’t understand, Hubbs didn’t either, I don’t think, but never once did he ridicule me for it, he just stuck with me through it all.  But some of my family at the time said that it was put on, it was mental, it was this or that.  So when I found out it was Dystonia, Tourette’s & Fibromyalgia that it actually had a name, wasn’t all in my head, I wasn’t totally crazy, that I thought they would be more understanding, that they wouldn’t think I was just crazy.  With some of them that so wasn’t the case. They still blame it on I’m to emotional, or I just stress myself out to much & that’s all that it is, that there is physically nothing wrong with me.   I guess thats why I am having such a struggle with accepting things as they have been handed to me.  Cause normally your family is your support system, some of mine not so much. Now Mom, she never turned her back on me, she never doubted that something was wrong. Guess that’s 1 of the reasons why I miss her so much more than I could of ever imagined. I could talk to her about anything, like when a new symptom would pop up I’d talk to her about it (she was 84 and so not computer literate 😉 but she sure knew the word “Google” lol) she would say we need to “Google that Katie” we tried so many times to figure out together just what was going on.  So glad I found out what the cause for all of this was before Mom passed.  But never imagined that it was these.  The hardest I think to accept is there isn’t a cure for these, that I don’t have a choice but to accept things as they come, to “Learn how to cope with life as a new”, as well as (I prolly said before) my granddaughters are 13 year old twins & as I am sure all of you know, kiddos now days can be so mean to each other and I guess thats why I try to keep my self closed off from them, along with everyone else because I don’t want them or anyone to have to defend their “weird grandma” their “scary grandma” or the worst is “drunk grandma” (that’s when I was NOT drinking at all & hadn’t in years, cause this drinking I do now at times, just started a little while after Mom passed in January to cope with going out in public or even around the family & the drunk comment was several years ago in the grocery at 8 something in the am & yup the twins were with me).  I mean I know for a fact they love me regardless and would fight right back, would correct & put the one saying it right in their place, right quick & in a hurry…but as a grandma/aunt/sibling, I would never want them to have to do that, when I can just stay away or be with them just us as a family. Yes I miss out on lot of things in their lives as well as my great nieces and nephews lives, but all goes back to you just have to do what you have to do to cope with the things that are thrown at you, one day at a time, and learn to protect the little ones in your life you love so much!!!

I often try to figure out why my siblings don’t understand and little ones seem to understand or is it that they just accept me for who I am.  Or is it the siblings do understand/care and just don’t know how to react around me???  When I am with the siblings I try soooooo hard to pay attention before I speak so that just maybe it will help and they won’t think the worse of me (if I speak ok at the moment or the best I can at the moment) so it goes back to it’s just easier to stay home, to not see anyone, now I hardly ever answer phone calls I rather just text, cause they can’t hear me on texting.  Facetime, oh my thats the hardest I always show the person on the other end something around the yard, one of the 4 fish aquariums or the dog, that away they don’t see me.  I really hope one day I wont be like this any longer or something will help to where I don’t look/sound like this.  I am so tired of being the weird one!

Well guess I rambled on long enough for today!  Oh but one more thing I forget to tell you, April the giraffe had her baby Saturday morning 😉 I was so happy to get to experience this, because for the last few months it has given me something to keep my mind preoccupied with and because it just goes to show you how totally amazing our God is!!!  Till tomorrow I hope you have a great afternoon and go hug your loved ones & tell them just what they mean to you.  Cause tomorrows never a given and to me, I just Love knowing I told them often enough, that I won’t ever have that regret!!!

Till next time, Me

The dreaded holiday is past…

insp 3

I made it through the Easter holiday.  I really dreaded this holiday, it was the first one without Mom!!!  I did it tho, I was with family all day Saturday for some amazing family time & crawfish (that sure helped) but I ended up on the way home telling my Husband the truth that, the only way I have made it lately is to have a few shots of fireball through out the days that I am not at home, every time I leave the house I get so panicked, so scared inside & out, my shakes/tics/mouth chewing, they all seem to be uncontrollable, my speech gets so much worse.  I have never been a drinker, maybe once or twice a year I would go to dinner or party and enjoy a few but never much by any means.  That scares me pretty bad.  I mean I don’t get sloppy drunk just enough to calm me down some to an extent.  My family is all going through a rough time right now with Mom gone, also I forgot to post early while telling my life that my 3rd to oldest sister lost her husband one week prior to us losing Mom.  He was a really good guy!  They lived with my Mom at her house so having to sale our family home meant my sister, whom had just lost her husband and our Mom had to start life over again in a whole new way than I or any of my other siblings.  I try to always remember that when I start to feel sorry for myself!

Well have to run cause one of my nieces needed a sitter for the day for 2 of my great nephews.

Will write more tomorrow, Have a good one! Me

Just learning how to cope…

Hey Y’all 

Well it’s a new day, should be thankful I know but everyday I wake, I have to push myself to get up, get out of bed. I have to get up really early now 4:30-5 am due to the Adderall. (Didn’t know this at first & didn’t sleep for 3 days & 4 looooonnnnggg nights) so needless to say now I get up & take meds so I can sleep at night. Every morning I have to take a couple of pain meds (lowest dose available) just to be able to move without crying. I never knew that any disease could make you hurt so bad day in & day out. No one has been able to tell me exactly which one is causing this, they have said Dystonia movements & Tourettes movements/tics cause pain but as well, the Fibromyalgia makes you hurt all over, so to say it’s one of them no one can say. When I started the Adderall (for the Tourette’s) I noticed that I started chewing on the inside of my mouth, my gums, cheeks & lips, hey that hurts so bad & I look like a dufuss! So I then picked my lips, well heck that made me look worse had sores on the outside.  So they lowered the dose & I found didn’t help so I have been reading even more about the Tourette’s & guess what that’s a symptom 😳(I have so much to learn about these diseases) on one of the articles I read online said “looks like your always chewing on your cud” hmmmm that’s so not good. I’ve been watching & following April the giraffe & she’s always chewing on her cud. So I guess now I look like a freaking giraffe. (At least Aprils pretty) 

Well since Mom has passed away my symptoms have been so much worse. She wasn’t only my Mom but she was my best friend, so I really have to learn how to get through each day without her. I never understood when my Dad passed Mom would say it felt like she lost part of her limbs, like part of her died with him. Well now I totally understand because that’s exactly how I feel. So now the docs say the symptoms are worse because of stress, depression & just emotions in general, that these cause all 3 of the diseases to magnify drastically. So now I am trying to learn how to cope with “My New Life” how to handle my emotions differently. That’s why I started Blogging!!!  Like I said a couple of days ago maybe through me learning how to, I could help someone else with my blogging.  

My days now are harder I’m home all the time alone because 1st off my Husband works days everyday & used to I would go spend my days with my Mom & well now that’s not possible. So I started a planner it’s called a “Happy Planner” so far I really enjoy it, but that only takes a few minutes a day so that leaves another 11 1/2 hours to try & stay buzy.  Some days I just sit in recliner all day cause I don’t feel to good, other days I clean the house, watch you tube on new things to try. That’s where I saw about blogging.  Since Mom is gone now I don’t like to even turn the TV on cause, silly I know, but Mom always watched TV & well it makes me sad. I don’t really go anywhere any more cause so far I just don’t feel all that great & I just don’t enjoy being around anyone anymore, which really sux cause I used to love being around anyone & everyone. But hopefully once I learn to cope with everything all that will change, so I guess till then home I will be. But I am going out tomorrow (which I dread allready) for an Easter crawfish boil (I love crawfish) at my sisters with the family.  Really don’t want to go cause it’s 1st holiday with out Mom!  Don’t get me wrong I love my family, spending time with my granddaughters, siblings, nieces & nephews & all the great nieces & nephews, cause they will all be there. So SHOULD be fun oh & did I say I Love Crawfish!!!  As of now still don’t know if hubbs is off work so that won’t be good if he’s not there.  He’s been my rock the last almost 22 years now. But I tell you what the last couple of years I couldn’t of made it with out him. He’s just started a new position at his job & I am so very proud of him him for it!  He’s worked almost 40 years for this & even tho it’s so hard right now with everything going on (for me) I have to buck up & just do it!  He works 12-14 hour days, but now is on call 24/7 so even when he’s home mentally he’s still at work. So I guess that’s why I ramble so much on here. It gets really lonely. But I hope he never finds that part out cause well I want to be the wife he deserves, that stands behind him no matter what. I’m really working on that. So if anyone has any suggestions they are Always welcome!!!  I try everyday when he comes in to put on a smile and act like I’m perfect, not depressed or anything.  But seems to be harder & harder all the time. I never thought having time for myself could be this rough/hard but geez louise it really is. 

Well I gotta go try & get a few things done before Hubbs comes in from work, but hope to get to write again tomorrow or if not I will on Monday when the (dreaded) holiday is over. But I do know what the main reason for this special holiday is and I thank God for all things He has done for me & my family!!!  Tho things seem so blue right now I know with God by my side everything will turn out even better than I could ever imagine!

Till next time!  I hope & Pray you have one Amazing Easter 🐣 with your loved ones!!!  Enjoy them & be sure to let them know what they mean to you because tomorrow is never promised & you just might not have that chance again!!!

Happy Easter, Katie

My life cont….

Yesterday on my 1st blog I left off on while I was at the heart doc, so here is some more…

After being totally thrown off by what the heart doctor had just told us, he examined me & come to find out everything was perfect (as perfect as could be with heart disease) with my heart at that time, so he signed off for me to be able to have my gastric bypass surgery.  Several months had passed I lost my 18 year old Niece (that is another long & complicated story in itself) that shook my world up completely, the day after her funeral in September of 2007, I found out that my surgery was scheduled for Halloween Day, just a month away & the only hospital they could do it at was the same one she had just passed away in & it was their fault she was gone.  So needless to say that was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make, but after fighting insurance for 6 years to have this surgery I felt I had no other option.  So had the surgery on Halloween & everything turned out great, lost 130 lbs & today a little over 10 years later still have kept it off.   Well after surgery I didn’t have diabetes any longer, b/p is perfect & only have seizures with certain medications.  Well fast forward to November 2010, I lost my Daddy, boy he was one Amazing Man!!!!  But on his death bed I promised him I would take care of my Mom, I would do what ever I had to keep her going, to be her protecter to the best of my ability.  It wasn’t hard at all cause she & I had become best friends, I would go over a minimum of 4 days a week & just be with her, care for her, what ever she needed I tried to make happen, then she fell & broke her hip.  We were at church walking out one Sunday morning, she fell & after that seems things started going down hill, several months later is when she fell going to bed late one night & broke her hip.  She pulled thru like a champ, but mentally she wasn’t all there after that.  Then the ultimate most horrific thing to a Mom happened, my little brother passed away in September 2015 (he is the one that lost his daughter in 2007) from that moment forward you could see my Mom giving up more & more, fading away from me, nothing I could do to help her, to bring her back to even just 3 months prior.  From there she ended up with Dementia, not really bad but just enough her personality changed, not so much for the bad, she was funny, laughed more but confused a lot.  She came & stayed with my Husband & I a couple times through out the last year of her life.  Matter of fact she came here to our home on Hospice to pass away.  She passed January 14th of this year. This has been so hard, my Mom & I, if I wasn’t there we would talk on the phone a minimum of 8 times a day & every night at 9 she would call & we would talk for at least 15 minutes most nights an hour or two, so now I go to call her every single day & it hits me all over again.  Every night at 9 I try to be asleep because I sit there & just wait for that call, but it never comes.  If only Heaven would have phones.  Hospice had told me that when your loved one dies in your home that you will always have your Angel in your home with you, so that has pretty much kept me going even at times I feel like giving in, I know she is with me & she is in such a better place than here!  I know she is in Heaven with our Dear Lord, Daddy, brother & niece & all her family members that left this earth before her.  Now just 3 months later and with 5 siblings left we are in the process of having to sell our family home, that consists of going through over 50 years of memories in that home, separating, organizing, remolding & everything else that goes along with selling your family home of 50 years.  Needless to say it’s been a struggle, you can’t really mourn the loss of Mom yet cause since week after her passing we had to start with the house.  So till we get this behind us we live in a constant mourning period.  So hopefully soon it will be sold & we can all start the healing process & learn how to cope with our “new life” as it is now.

Now I go back to the beginning of my blog to 3 1/2 years ago…I went from doc to doc no one could figure out what was going on.  Couldn’t talk right, shook constantly inside & out and hurt constantly.  I went to speech therapy, rehab, & occupational therapy you name it they had me in it.  Nothing seemed to help!  One day they referred me to a Neurologist in Lafayette took prolly a month to get in.  I went to see her, husband in tow & she was so sweet (at first) we talked & she asked questions stated she was gonna run such & such tests.  A little later in to the appointment she continued reading & saw I had previously had seizures, they called them pseudo seizures, yes that’s what they called them being they were brought on by medications.  She then changes her whole disposition against us and said doesn’t need to do any testing that I have FND (Functional Neurological Disorder) we were like ok what does that mean???  She said that all this is in my head that the speech, movements, etc…are all a figment of my imagination.  She said to quit going to anymore doctors & go home and enjoy what life I had left, I looked at her said ok so you just tell me it’s all in my head but now your saying quit going to doctors and go home and die pretty much?  Her exact words were “exactly” needless to say I left there in total shock, was crying so she said I could stay in the room till I could get myself together because I wasn’t going through her waiting room crying.  OMG needless to say we left through the back door.  I came home got online and signed up with a group to learn more about this FND (which the group I joined is an Amazing group, I still get on there constantly & correspond with others that have FND), really it’s a disorder but the more reading and learning I did I just felt this wasn’t it, that it’s not all in my mind if it was HOW could I just wake up one day not be able to talk, not be able to stop moving???  For over a year and a half I lived like that, felt crazy, felt like I really must be losing my mind, cause nothing was getting better if nothing else it was getting worse.  At the visitation of my brothers funeral in September of 2015, I noticed one of my cousins kept watching me all night (I know I went to rest room at least 20 times to make sure didn’t have anything coming out my nose, my clothes weren’t tucked in where wasn’t supposed to be…) then finally next morning at the funeral she came up to me, she has Dystonia & lives in New Orleans, tells me that she thinks that is what I have (that is why she was watching me like a hawk, lol) she asked me if she could get me into her doc would I go, well heck yea I have to find out what is going on.  So within a month I was headed to my appointment there with her doc, he had spoke with me over phone & knew just by listening to me what it was but couldn’t say till examined/tested me.  I have Dystonia, at the time he said I had that and the beginning stages of Tourettes and Parkinson.  Wow so it’s not all in my head after all!!!!  He started me on a medication for Dystonia and my local doc continued from there, well things didn’t get better with meds but didn’t get worse, so about 6 months later my medical doc sent me to a Rheumatologists, to check to see if he could figure out why my whole body hurts all the time (its like my insides move constantly, makes me feel like I run a marathon daily) well come to find out the Tourettes is full blown now along with the Dystonia and added Fibromyalgia to the mix.  He stated that all this was caused by my gastric bypass.  That was a shock.  After seeing him for several months he suggested to my regular doc that I get on Adderall XR for the Tourettes & I started that, boy my whole world changed, I could talk right (for the most part) I didn’t shake as much, insides still move constantly, but at least I can somewhat control the outsides.  I was so happy I could go in public with my twin 13 year old Granddaughters & not be scared to death I am going to embarrass them in front of their friends (they really wouldn’t care what people said, but me I know how mean people can be & I didn’t want to put them in that predicament, because I have been told at 8:30 in the morning that “I must be a drunk to be so drunk at that time of the morning”, was only one of them, another was “I should be totally embarrassed to go out in public, I should stay home or check myself into a mental hospital” those are just a couple of the things I have been told by perfect strangers in a grocery store, so I surely didn’t want them hearing anything of that nature & feel the need to have to defend me) so for about 3 1/2 months I was so good, then November-January happened with Mom then she passed & it all went back to bad again, went to doc last week & he upped my meds & its starting to take affect again.  He said he guesses when I stress/upset that it will always get worse, but at least now I know, IT’S NOT ALL IN MY HEAD!!!!

So I guess honestly I have said this to say!  PLEASE DON’T EVER GIVE UP, CAUSE THERE IS AN ANSWER to what ever is happening to you at the moment.  Cause for awhile there, I really felt like I needed to be checked into a psych ward, I really felt that crazy.  But thanks to God and so many Prayers, to my cousin & the numerous amount of docs that I know now that I can control this & I can fight this, might not be a cure but at least I know now I can control this to an extent as of right now at this moment.

Well guess I’ve written a lot the last two days & hope to be able to help someone else that might be struggling with situations like this.  Also 6 years to fight for gastric bypass with insurance companies & I finally got to have it, just DON’T QUIT FIGHTING when you know inside that something is wrong, just don’t quit!

Thanx for reading

Katie