Can’t believe I forgot to hit publish :{…

insp 1 4:17

Well today I have 2 post cause yesterday I had to leave in such a hurry I forgot to hit the publish button…thats how my days are, and nooooo I didn’t take any shots yesterday to go keep the kiddos, and I did pretty good.  To me kids so small seem to love me for who I am & they over look my disabilities.  To where adults just, well they don’t….

Too finish off yesterdays/well todays 1st, I always try to remember when I go through my struggles at least I have my husband here with me.  I couldn’t imagine not having him here with me these last almost 22 years, (like my sister is having to learn how to not have her husband with her, as well as Mom did after Dad passed after over 60 years of marriage).  When all this started 3 1/2 years ago my family didn’t understand, Hubbs didn’t either, I don’t think, but never once did he ridicule me for it, he just stuck with me through it all.  But some of my family at the time said that it was put on, it was mental, it was this or that.  So when I found out it was Dystonia, Tourette’s & Fibromyalgia that it actually had a name, wasn’t all in my head, I wasn’t totally crazy, that I thought they would be more understanding, that they wouldn’t think I was just crazy.  With some of them that so wasn’t the case. They still blame it on I’m to emotional, or I just stress myself out to much & that’s all that it is, that there is physically nothing wrong with me.   I guess thats why I am having such a struggle with accepting things as they have been handed to me.  Cause normally your family is your support system, some of mine not so much. Now Mom, she never turned her back on me, she never doubted that something was wrong. Guess that’s 1 of the reasons why I miss her so much more than I could of ever imagined. I could talk to her about anything, like when a new symptom would pop up I’d talk to her about it (she was 84 and so not computer literate 😉 but she sure knew the word “Google” lol) she would say we need to “Google that Katie” we tried so many times to figure out together just what was going on.  So glad I found out what the cause for all of this was before Mom passed.  But never imagined that it was these.  The hardest I think to accept is there isn’t a cure for these, that I don’t have a choice but to accept things as they come, to “Learn how to cope with life as a new”, as well as (I prolly said before) my granddaughters are 13 year old twins & as I am sure all of you know, kiddos now days can be so mean to each other and I guess thats why I try to keep my self closed off from them, along with everyone else because I don’t want them or anyone to have to defend their “weird grandma” their “scary grandma” or the worst is “drunk grandma” (that’s when I was NOT drinking at all & hadn’t in years, cause this drinking I do now at times, just started a little while after Mom passed in January to cope with going out in public or even around the family & the drunk comment was several years ago in the grocery at 8 something in the am & yup the twins were with me).  I mean I know for a fact they love me regardless and would fight right back, would correct & put the one saying it right in their place, right quick & in a hurry…but as a grandma/aunt/sibling, I would never want them to have to do that, when I can just stay away or be with them just us as a family. Yes I miss out on lot of things in their lives as well as my great nieces and nephews lives, but all goes back to you just have to do what you have to do to cope with the things that are thrown at you, one day at a time, and learn to protect the little ones in your life you love so much!!!

I often try to figure out why my siblings don’t understand and little ones seem to understand or is it that they just accept me for who I am.  Or is it the siblings do understand/care and just don’t know how to react around me???  When I am with the siblings I try soooooo hard to pay attention before I speak so that just maybe it will help and they won’t think the worse of me (if I speak ok at the moment or the best I can at the moment) so it goes back to it’s just easier to stay home, to not see anyone, now I hardly ever answer phone calls I rather just text, cause they can’t hear me on texting.  Facetime, oh my thats the hardest I always show the person on the other end something around the yard, one of the 4 fish aquariums or the dog, that away they don’t see me.  I really hope one day I wont be like this any longer or something will help to where I don’t look/sound like this.  I am so tired of being the weird one!

Well guess I rambled on long enough for today!  Oh but one more thing I forget to tell you, April the giraffe had her baby Saturday morning 😉 I was so happy to get to experience this, because for the last few months it has given me something to keep my mind preoccupied with and because it just goes to show you how totally amazing our God is!!!  Till tomorrow I hope you have a great afternoon and go hug your loved ones & tell them just what they mean to you.  Cause tomorrows never a given and to me, I just Love knowing I told them often enough, that I won’t ever have that regret!!!

Till next time, Me

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