Well its been a little while. Still the same old thing just getting worse I guess, life that is. My health has gotten a lot worse lately in some ways. I think I finally kinda sorta had started learning to accept life with out my Mom till lately. I have been staying with my Mother-in-law several days and nights a week. The evil cancer has eaten her up and it’s just so sad. So now we are having to stay with her around the clock and it’s just awful seeing what cancer can do to an other wise healthy person. She has gone from walking 1-3 miles a day to walking with a walker and someone holding her up as she tries her best to do so. It all happened within a 3-4 week period, just like that gone, has no control of her legs in any way. So all of this brings back so many memories from my Mom & Dad, Mom lived with me towards then end, so I was her care taker 24\7 and had to do so many of the things we are now having to do with my Mother-in-law. I would do them all over again for the next 50 years if I could have that chance with my Mom again. I cherish every moment I had with her, all the laughter, tears, heart ache, loss of sleep for days on in, all the bed baths, her favorite TV shows “Walker Texas Ranger, the Medicine Woman, Dancing with the Stars, Outdaughtered”, her listening to YouTube videos of children’s laughter that would bring tears to her eyes because it made her so happy to hear them, she always said that it was her favorite sound ever to hear a child laugh, then her accidents she would have, just ALL of it good & bad, if only I could have one more chance. (OK so, I guess I hadn’t learned to accept life without Mom yet!!!). Then seven years ago when I lost my Dad to this evil devil cancer I as well was his caretaker. Being the youngest daughter of 6 kids, I was the only one he trusted at that time, I was the one he chose to do everything for him (being the one he chose will always be an honor to me, just knowing that he trusted me with his life, with his world)I had been doing their finances for them for years and at that time he signed all over to me to take care of, so that part was actually nothing new to me really, but then the medical part was so much harder, to be the one along with Mom to have to make the last decision of his life to not put back on breathing machines, oh my that was just at that point one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. Then there were the other things that I know if he was in his right mind during that time he would have never allowed because of his morals, pride, his manly hood, just him being totally humiliated by his youngest daughter ever having to do such things as bathing, cleaning up after accidents & everything actually. Cancer came and within 3 months he lost his battle with it, that was after having brain surgery & the radiologists technician taking his x-rays dropped him on his head, yup the one he had just had brain surgery on. “Life just throws so much at you” at times that you just don’t know what or where to go or if you can even go anymore.
Well while talking with my Mother-in-law over the weekend, she asked me to promise her that I would not let her sons (one being my husband) have to ever clean up after her, bathe her, bring her to bathroom or any of that sort of thing, that I would care for her till the end in their place. She said she would rather take the end of life treatment now than to ever have to have them do any of that sort of things that it would totally humiliate her, said would literally kill her. Of course I said I would. But really makes me wonder if my Dad would have made it longer if it wasn’t me that he chose to care for him constantly, was he still in there somewhere in that devil cancer mind that it killed him…the humiliation that is. When she said that it was all I could think of, was Dad so distraught by that? I mean he would have never asked me to care for him, to stay with him 24/7, not really let the others do for him unless I was sleeping for a couple of hours. I guess I’ve never thought about that part of his life/death till she asked me that question and since then I can’t stop, I’ve been so sad/down about this. I mean I know that God has a time & place and knows exactly how we are going to die, but did Dad die or will himself to die from that humiliation? Or was his mind so far gone that the good times we had (I really tried so hard to make even accidents fun, just to make him smile, which I miss that smile terribly), in those last 3 months took the place of his humiliation and that I in a way helped him die a little easier/happier. I know this sounds so weird saying out loud, well typing it, then it does in my mind. But that is what goes on in this crazy head of mine, non stop. I can’t really talk to anyone about it cause don’t really have anyone left that I can talk to, so I just try to figure it out in my own head and as you can tell it’s so not going very well, just makes my Tourette’s worse & the fibro flair ups more often, oh my they are just awful lately.
Well on a good (kinda sorta in a way) note, we sold Mom & Dads house finally. That was really a hard time having to let go, knowing I’ll never be able to go in it again, if I do it won’t be the same. But it was a really sweet young lady that bought it and my sister found out yesterday that she wants to invite all of us over for tea one day when she gets the house fixed up just like she wants it. So that was really nice of her to think about us, but on the other hand, do I want to see it changed??? Will that hurt even more??? Phew I just don’t know…guess that will be a whole new story I can post on here!
Gotta run, but that’s kinda been my life at the moment & kinda explains why I hadn’t been able to post regularly, but I am hoping to start more often cause it really helped me before just to get it out. I know I only have a few people who read it (and I hope y’all enjoy my crazy life & rambles) but I don’t know it just feels good to get it out sometimes…
So till next time, hug your loved ones tell them how much you love them & just what they mean to you!!!! It’s the best feeling in the world to hear that. Have a great one