Just livin’ life…

Well its been a little while.  Still the same old thing just getting worse I guess, life that is. My health has gotten a lot worse lately in some ways.  I think I finally kinda sorta had started learning to accept life with out my Mom till lately.  I have been staying with my Mother-in-law several days and nights a week.  The evil cancer has eaten her up and it’s just so sad.  So now we are having to stay with her around the clock and it’s just awful seeing what cancer can do to an other wise healthy person.  She has gone from walking 1-3 miles a day to walking with a walker and someone holding her up as she tries her best to do so.  It all happened within a 3-4 week period, just like that gone, has no control of her legs in any way.  So all of this brings back so many memories from my Mom & Dad, Mom lived with me towards then end, so I was her care taker 24\7 and had to do so many of the things we are now having to do with my Mother-in-law. I would do them all over again for the next 50 years if I could have that chance with my Mom again.  I cherish every moment I had with her, all the laughter, tears, heart ache, loss of sleep for days on in, all the bed baths, her favorite TV shows “Walker Texas Ranger, the Medicine Woman, Dancing with the Stars, Outdaughtered”, her listening to YouTube videos of children’s laughter that would bring tears to her eyes because it made her so happy to hear them, she always said that it was her favorite sound ever to hear a child laugh, then her accidents she would have, just ALL of it good & bad, if only I could have one more chance.  (OK so, I guess I hadn’t learned to accept life without Mom yet!!!). Then seven years ago when I lost my Dad to this evil devil cancer I as well was his caretaker.  Being the youngest daughter of 6 kids, I was the only one he trusted at that time, I was the one he chose to do everything for him (being the one he chose will always be an honor to me, just knowing that he trusted me with his life, with his world)I had been doing their finances for them for years and at that time he signed all over to me to take care of, so that part was actually nothing new to me really, but then the medical part was so much harder, to be the one along with Mom to have to make the last decision of his life to not put back on breathing machines, oh my that was just at that point one of the hardest things I had ever had to do.  Then there were the other things that I know if he was in his right mind during that time he would have never allowed because of his morals, pride, his manly hood, just him being totally humiliated by his youngest daughter ever having to do such things as bathing, cleaning up after accidents & everything actually.  Cancer came and within 3 months he lost his battle with it, that was after having brain surgery & the radiologists technician taking his x-rays dropped him on his head, yup the one he had just had brain surgery on.  “Life just throws so much at you” at times that you just don’t know what or where to go or if you can even go anymore.  

Well while talking with my Mother-in-law over the weekend, she asked me to promise her that I would not let her sons (one being my husband) have to ever clean up after her, bathe her, bring her to bathroom or any of that sort of thing, that I would care for her till the end in their place.  She said she would rather take the end of life treatment now than to ever have to have them do any of that sort of things that it would totally humiliate her, said would literally kill her.  Of course I said I would.  But really makes me wonder if my Dad would have made it longer if it wasn’t me that he chose to care for him constantly, was he still in there somewhere in that devil cancer mind that it killed him…the humiliation that is.  When she said that it was all I could think of, was Dad so distraught by that?  I mean he would have never asked me to care for him, to stay with him 24/7, not really let the others do for him unless I was sleeping for a couple of hours. I guess I’ve never thought about that part of his life/death till she asked me that question and since then I can’t stop, I’ve been so sad/down about this. I mean I know that God has a time & place and knows exactly how we are going to die, but did Dad die or will himself to die from that humiliation?  Or was his mind so far gone that the good times we had (I really tried so hard to make even accidents fun, just to make him smile, which I miss that smile terribly), in those last 3 months took the place of his humiliation and that I in a way helped him die a little easier/happier.  I know this sounds so weird saying out loud, well typing it, then it does in my mind.  But that is what goes on in this crazy head of mine, non stop.  I can’t really talk to anyone about it cause don’t really have anyone left that I can talk to, so I just try to figure it out in my own head and as you can tell it’s so not going very well, just makes my Tourette’s worse & the fibro flair ups more often, oh my they are just awful lately.  

Well on a good (kinda sorta in a way) note, we sold Mom & Dads house finally. That was really a hard time having to let go, knowing I’ll never be able to go in it again, if I do it won’t be the same.  But it was a really sweet young lady that bought it and my sister found out yesterday that she wants to invite all of us over for tea one day when she gets the house fixed up just like she wants it.  So that was really nice of her to think about us, but on the other hand, do I want to see it changed???  Will that hurt even more???  Phew I just don’t know…guess that will be a whole new story I can post on here!

Gotta run, but that’s kinda been my life at the moment & kinda explains why I hadn’t been able to post regularly, but I am hoping to start more often cause it really helped me before just to get it out.  I know I only have a few people who read it (and I hope y’all enjoy my crazy life & rambles) but I don’t know it just feels good to get it out sometimes…

So till next time, hug your loved ones tell them how much you love them & just what they mean to you!!!!  It’s the best feeling in the world to hear that.  Have a great one

~Me~

Hubbs when he’s the happiest! Hes my Whole World!!!

 

It’s been a while…

Just for some cuteness, I added a couple of pics ☝🏻TaZ on right & his great aunt (I guess you’d say) on the left in the top pic, opposite on the bottom one lol.  

Wow I looked backed been almost a month since I’ve written.  I guess life really gets in the way sometimes. Back to my favorite saying  “what life throws at you!”

Been fighting Fibromyalgia really bad, I’ve never had what they call “flair ups” so bad.  Had em’ for almost 2 1/2 weeks off & on more on than off, it would last several days at least.  Then it takes several days to get over it then it would start all over again.  I really didn’t know what was going on with me.   My glands swole up in places I didn’t even know I had glands, then the aching started felt like I had flu but with no other flu like symptoms, then inside it felt like I had run a marathon the biggest & longest you could do.   But if you know me that’s so not gonna happen I can’t run around back yard with lil’ ones much less a race 🙈.   It was like all my muscles were torn & hurting.   Nothing was helping, I took ibuprofen, acetaminophen & extra pain pills, nothing helped. Soaked in tub of water forever seemed like & used a heating pad nothing helped.  I don’t know what brings them on but I Pray I will figure it out soon.   I went to my Rheumatologist office & was in the middle of a flair up & he looked at me an knew something was going on immediately.  I then started crying like a big ol’ baby in front of him telling him everything that had been going on, told him I was at the end of my rope I couldn’t do this anymore, he talked to me for a little while to calm me down then he did some testing & told me what was going on so finally I knew what the heck was happening & I knew I wasn’t losing my mind (well what’s left of it).   Well I left his office & went straight to the pharmacy with a new prescription I had never taken called Lyrica & within days could feel a gigantic difference.   Thank God!!!!   I had noticed I was mad, angry just pissed at the world no one in particular just everyone.   The doctor 👨‍⚕️ explained it pretty well, he said think about it like this, if you have ex. Poison ivy – you itch so bad that all the scratching in the world doesn’t help & it makes you mad cause it’s not helping & you just keep scratching & scratching, he said it’s kinda the same (without scratching of course) but your insides, the nerve endings are just going crazy & like the poison ivy nothing is helping them so it does make you angry, depressed, sad.   So it really helped a lot learning that it was the Fibromyalgia flair ups & the Lyrica was a God send.   Within 4 days, I hadn’t realized before just how angry I was till the Lyrica then I realized I wasn’t as angry anymore I didn’t jump at anything someone said & bite their heads off any longer.   It feels pretty good to not be so angry anymore.  So if you are fighting with something & it has some of those symptoms go to doctor it sure helped me.  😉

Well as for TaZ he went to groomer & came out with tons of kisses 😘 & that was such a good feeling.  In the pics above he had just gotten groomed & looked amazing like the old TaZ man.  Makes my heart so happy.   As far as “M” she no longer works there & no longer has a license to groom anywhere for that fact.  If your a groomer you should love to be around animals good, bad, mean or upset ones at anytime. Just my opinion.  Just like child care workers you have to love children to be one so same goes for groomers.  But at least I know now my lil’ man is in good hands once again & I check him from head to toe now regardless.  If I have my way it won’t happen again.  

Well as for my Mother-in-law not such good news at her last chemo session she was told her cancer is getting worse & the chemo was making her symptoms worse as well so they stopped the chemo. 😢 The Hubbs is taking her tomorrow for testing to see just how far the cancer has spread & what the next steps will be, if any.   They say the cancer tumors in her stomach are just awful an there is so many that it has filled her stomach with them and there is so many that they don’t understand why her stomach doesn’t just hurt her constantly, but it doesn’t it’s her back & legs, her legs are about 3 times the size of normal & she has lost prolly 40 pounds or more.  She told me the other day that it feels like her legs can’t hold up her upper body anymore.   😢 They have taken her off pretty much all her regular everyday meds now which scares me to death cause that usually means it’s really close to the end.  Which that just breaks my heart so much it hurts.   I know I’ve said it a 1000 times but cancer just sucks, it’s the devil.   I saw her a couple days ago & it had been about a week since I saw her last & she looked like she had aged by at least 30 years in that short amount of time. 😢 Of course I told her she looked awesome & was still as pretty as she’s always been & she is but you can tell that it’s really taking its toll on her.   So if you read this & you Pray, please Pray for her she needs all the Prayers she can get.  Thanks in advance 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Well Saturday night I prolly had a few to many fireballs & the Hubbs is on vacation for a week & half an we decided to just float around the pool.  And this is his first time that he was actually here with me without work on his mind.  He’s been off since last Thursday & ended up having to do work 10-12 hours a day till Saturday afternoon here at the house.  Well being it’s the first time in literally 6 months that he’s actually talked to me as a wife and listened to me, well I REALLY screwed up & told him everything I have been upset about & holding in for the last 6 months & that I was so tired of going through everything alone the loss of Mom, his Mom fighting cancer, me finding out about the Fibromyalgia, Tourette’s, Dystonia, Parkinsons, Hypothyroidism & everything else that is has been so scary & tramatic an I have needed my best friend the only one I had left & he hasn’t been here that if he’s home he’s on the phone with work or laptop that he’s here but he’s not.   Well he got pretty pissed walked away after saying how pissed he was so I got out dried off & came in an went to bed at 7:30 an cried myself to sleep.  Well yesterday morning he finally talked to me about it said that I had bomb barted him with it all at one time.  I apologized for that & told him it had all just built up till I finally exploded, I tried to explain my feelings as well he did too & it’s been better and today is the first time I’ve seen my real husband, the one I fell in love with 😍 he’s still in there.   I know prolly just till vacation ends but that’s ok at least he’s still in there.  He even cooked breakfast 🍳 for me 😌😌😌.

I’m gonna try to start writing again more often cause you never know just what life will throw at you!!! Hope everyone has a great week and is in good health.  ~me~

Can’t believe I forgot to hit publish :{…

Well today I have 2 post cause yesterday I had to leave in such a hurry I forgot to hit the publish button…thats how my days are, and nooooo I didn’t take any shots yesterday to go keep the kiddos, and I did pretty good.  To me kids so small seem to love me for who I am & they over look my disabilities.  To where adults just, well they don’t….

Too finish off yesterdays/well todays 1st, I always try to remember when I go through my struggles at least I have my husband here with me.  I couldn’t imagine not having him here with me these last almost 22 years, (like my sister is having to learn how to not have her husband with her, as well as Mom did after Dad passed after over 60 years of marriage).  When all this started 3 1/2 years ago my family didn’t understand, Hubbs didn’t either, I don’t think, but never once did he ridicule me for it, he just stuck with me through it all.  But some of my family at the time said that it was put on, it was mental, it was this or that.  So when I found out it was Dystonia, Tourette’s & Fibromyalgia that it actually had a name, wasn’t all in my head, I wasn’t totally crazy, that I thought they would be more understanding, that they wouldn’t think I was just crazy.  With some of them that so wasn’t the case. They still blame it on I’m to emotional, or I just stress myself out to much & that’s all that it is, that there is physically nothing wrong with me.   I guess thats why I am having such a struggle with accepting things as they have been handed to me.  Cause normally your family is your support system, some of mine not so much. Now Mom, she never turned her back on me, she never doubted that something was wrong. Guess that’s 1 of the reasons why I miss her so much more than I could of ever imagined. I could talk to her about anything, like when a new symptom would pop up I’d talk to her about it (she was 84 and so not computer literate 😉 but she sure knew the word “Google” lol) she would say we need to “Google that Katie” we tried so many times to figure out together just what was going on.  So glad I found out what the cause for all of this was before Mom passed.  But never imagined that it was these.  The hardest I think to accept is there isn’t a cure for these, that I don’t have a choice but to accept things as they come, to “Learn how to cope with life as a new”, as well as (I prolly said before) my granddaughters are 13 year old twins & as I am sure all of you know, kiddos now days can be so mean to each other and I guess thats why I try to keep my self closed off from them, along with everyone else because I don’t want them or anyone to have to defend their “weird grandma” their “scary grandma” or the worst is “drunk grandma” (that’s when I was NOT drinking at all & hadn’t in years, cause this drinking I do now at times, just started a little while after Mom passed in January to cope with going out in public or even around the family & the drunk comment was several years ago in the grocery at 8 something in the am & yup the twins were with me).  I mean I know for a fact they love me regardless and would fight right back, would correct & put the one saying it right in their place, right quick & in a hurry…but as a grandma/aunt/sibling, I would never want them to have to do that, when I can just stay away or be with them just us as a family. Yes I miss out on lot of things in their lives as well as my great nieces and nephews lives, but all goes back to you just have to do what you have to do to cope with the things that are thrown at you, one day at a time, and learn to protect the little ones in your life you love so much!!!

I often try to figure out why my siblings don’t understand and little ones seem to understand or is it that they just accept me for who I am.  Or is it the siblings do understand/care and just don’t know how to react around me???  When I am with the siblings I try soooooo hard to pay attention before I speak so that just maybe it will help and they won’t think the worse of me (if I speak ok at the moment or the best I can at the moment) so it goes back to it’s just easier to stay home, to not see anyone, now I hardly ever answer phone calls I rather just text, cause they can’t hear me on texting.  Facetime, oh my thats the hardest I always show the person on the other end something around the yard, one of the 4 fish aquariums or the dog, that away they don’t see me.  I really hope one day I wont be like this any longer or something will help to where I don’t look/sound like this.  I am so tired of being the weird one!

Well guess I rambled on long enough for today!  Oh but one more thing I forget to tell you, April the giraffe had her baby Saturday morning 😉 I was so happy to get to experience this, because for the last few months it has given me something to keep my mind preoccupied with and because it just goes to show you how totally amazing our God is!!!  Till tomorrow I hope you have a great afternoon and go hug your loved ones & tell them just what they mean to you.  Cause tomorrows never a given and to me, I just Love knowing I told them often enough, that I won’t ever have that regret!!!

Till next time, Me